The RC Friday night post

This has been the week of graduations. I didn't attend any, but I have looked at enough Facebook photos. Today I was engulfed by the Heritage Homeschool Network while I was at College Avenue. I was relocated to the CEC building which is always an adventure since I have to climb up and down the stairs trying to locate my students every half hour. I think its great if people have no other alternative but to homeschool their children and then throw them into a few planned activities with other homeschool families. No offense to my readers, but it sure feels like I am around people who are a part of a cult. I have never taught any homeschool children but I know of a lady who does and she seems to understand the demands that the parents put on the teachers. One person doesn't just take a lesson, the entire family sits in and learns as a community. Right off the bat, I know that wouldn't work for me since its hard enough to keep the focus of one child during the time I am teaching. It sure would be nice to have those connections and get referrals to teach a bunch of kids throughout the week. I know that they would practice and welcome the opportunity to perform in a recital at the end of the year. In other news...I have decided that I am going to restrict my sugar consumption as part of a fast for Saddleback Church. I know my body will be screaming every time I walk by baked goods in the store, but I really think this sugar addiction needs to be broken for my sanity and my health. Speaking of my health, I made a promise to my body that I would start exercising daily so that it can wake up from the 7 year hibernation I have placed it in. I have been to the gym off and on, but it has been nothing like the days of me working out for 2 hours and actually walking away feeling energized and revitalized. I suppose my popularity would start to increase the moment I drop 50 lbs and then I can go out and feel like I'm a human being again. I did this once before 10 years ago and my life changed dramatically. If I had one of those super magnetic force fields, it wouldn't matter if I was 2 feet tall or 400 lbs, I would be able to attract people. I have to work with what the Lord gave me. No problem, my character is being refined and I know that life doesn't always stay the same. The last 6 months are testament to what a whirlwind of activity I have been involved with. Speaking of exercise, its time to get up and move! So, this is the summer to lift those sails and start sailing North. This island is boring me and I'm ready for some new adventures!

Addiction to self

> I'll let you in on a secret, I love shopping online at amazon.com! I think I would rather shop there than go to a store and push around a cart from aisle to aisle only to pick up more than I had ever intended. As I was looking at my mountain of books today, it dawned on me that I might have a problem. Yes, for fear of admitting that I have a problem, I will confess...I have an addiction. The sad thing, is that I know this and I know why I have a problem. When I was a little kid, I was really poor. Poor as in having only 2 skirts to wear to school everyday. One was pink and the other was a darker pink. My clothes were shabby, my shoes were falling apart, and I'm sure my hair was a rat's nest since I didn't understand that you don't brush wavy,thick hair. I suppose I could go and seek professional help and fork over 150.00 an hour for someone to probe and ask questions, but I have gone down that road and know that the person who has the answers is sitting right here in front of this screen. Our minds are extremely powerful. We can either listen to positive uplifting thoughts, or we can dwell in the pit of negative thoughts. That is where Jesus comes in. Since I have filled my mind with scripture, Bible studies, inspirational books and messages, the negative thoughts are not overwhelming. In fact, they have grown tamer and are not such a nuisance throughout the day. I've lived life just doing my own thing and not having a care for how my actions affected others. That type of life is empty, lonely, and absolutely dismal. Living a selfish day to day existence, focuses your attention on how you compare to others around you. You try and measure your self-worth by how many friends you have on Facebook, how many texts you get during the hour, how many people want to "hang out" with you during the week. Its a life that is focused on well placed lipstick and fancy cars. A life that eventually leads to a major dead end. This summer means a great deal to me. Its the summer that I will finally overcome my addiction. I will focus on being a contributor to life and slowly shed the layers of dead skin that have suffocated the living, breathing cells of rebirth and growth. I will most likely fall a few dozen times, but I will get up and try again. Its in the getting back up where we learn the greatest lessons about our will. This time instead of doing it all by myself, I'll hang on to Jesus and let Him transform me from the inside out.

In Need of a New Nature

This morning I was reading a few pages in Derwin Gray's "Limitless Life" and came across the topic of consumerism. Our tendency as a society to excessively consume, is fed by a void we feel, a hole that we are trying desperately to fill up with stuff. We tend to fill up our self with food, entertainment, gadgets, clothes etc. The entire idea of having a "self crush" is narcissistic in which the self is obsessed by its own self interest and personal fulfillment. "People with the empty self are fixed on living their lives through the risks, challenges, and adventures of others." Consumers are empty selves. Contributors are maturing in their "full and true life in Christ." Consumers live limited lives. Contributors live without limits because they are participating in the "full and true life in Christ." The idea of "selfies" is a good example of people taking pictures of themselves so that they can post it on any number of social media sites. In some ways, this is a very sad reality in which a person feels that in order to gain attention, they must post a picture of themselves so that others will pay attention and give feedback. I admit, I have been caught up in the wave of consumerism as my income has increased and those gadgets that seemed beyond purchase are now as easy as a click on my Samsung Chromebook. I could give you the reasoning behind my consumerism...poor childhood, very little clothes, no summer vacations or weekend trips to Disneyland. But, they seem petty and infantile when in reality, I have been caught up with what appeared to be fulfilling. Once I have an item, the newness wears off and I am thinking about what I can purchase next. The same goes for food...the idea of eating a gourmet sandwich sipping on an overpriced cup of tea or coffee lasts for just a few hours and then I am thinking about what I will purchase or consume next. So, I have come to the conclusion that I need to change. When I go somewhere instead of looking at what a place,person,or thing can do for me, the question asked should be, "what can I contribute to this person, this place, this thing?" God has accepted me just as I am, flaws and all. His love isn't based upon my good works, my winning a major competition, or the fact that I had patience with the person who cut me off on the freeway. God can change me if I allow His word to penetrate my soul and mind. Its not a matter of just wanting to be a good person, its a matter of transformation through God's love.

I would like a house in Coronado

After rehearsal tonight, I drove around looking for a place to get something for dinner. Of course, Panera was closed and I ended up waiting at the traffic light staring at three girls that were obviously good friends. I have always admired the community of Coronado and the sense of safety and freedom to walk around late at night without a care in the world. People feel comfortable having their children bike, walk, skate, without adult supervision. The community is looking out for the welfare of one another and you truly get a sense of Americana when you spend any amount of time among the natives. I proceeded to drive over to the beach thinking that I would get out and walk around for a while. I ended up crying uncontrollably. I yelled out to God for various things, none of it would have made sense to the casual observer, but it was very obvious to me, that I was in a lot of pain. Pain that I have suppressed for the last few days that required a good soul cleansing cry. Lately, I have had many conversations with a variety of people. I wouldn't be surprised if what I had experienced was a delayed reaction to the concerns I have regarding those particular people and their circumstances. As much as I would like to help everyone who is in pain, I really have no power whatsoever. I pray for them and leave them in God's hands and that is such a helpless feeling to me. I have to let go and let God. Sounds cliche, but it is so true. After that dramatic display of waterworks, I proceeded to get out of my car and walk around the nearby neighborhoods. The houses are so surreal and have such an inviting quality about them. I could only imagine what it must be like to live in such nice places with neighbors that also live in nice places. Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of owning a home in Coronado. I would appreciate it so much more now since I realize that community is so important and talking to your neighbors could be a really wonderful thing. I could imagine having a music studio as an extension to the house and then people could wait on the lovely veranda while they waited their turn for a voice or piano lesson. The kids wouldn't have to have their parents drive them since the kids would like close enough to walk or bike themselves over. Wouldn't that be wonderful to not have to drive anywhere to teach? Everyone would come to me and I could have recitals and host studio parties during the summer. So, unless I marry a very wealthy man or become a very wealthy and famous singer, I most likely will never own a home in Coronado. It doesn't hurt to look and dream a little, as long as I'm not envious. I sure do hope God is working on my mansion in heaven!

AT&T support...running through a maze

Last week, I was notified from a few of my contacts that they had received a strange email stating that I was in the Ukraine on tour and needed funds to come home.Really? Wow! How in the world did that happen? Well, I stupidly opened one of the fake AT&T emails asking for me to validate my account. Yes, I did say stupid, because it looked exactly like the login page that I use to open my email account.Sometimes in my stupor, I do things that require additional assistance. Upon further investigation I found out that all of my contacts had been deleted and that an additional email address was linked onto my account. Wow! These people have no moral obligations to society to just go in and wreak havoc on someone's life. Okay Lord, what is the lesson here? I am sorry if I check my email and messages before I pray. Is it safe to say that my techie devices have become an idol? Mmm..yes, I am truly sorry. I admit, I am a sinner. I repent. Prayer first, meditate on the word, then check my email. 10 days later and I still have no contacts. I just spent the early part of this morning being transferred from one support tech to another. In the end, it looks like I will have to call back on the weekday. Why even deal with people? Its as simple as looking in a library, finding the book, opening it, getting the information and then going out for a nice cup of coffee. Why must we jump through these hoops? Well, there it is. Another maze and a lot of dead ends.

I really wish I would have received a better explanation..

So as I journey about through daily life, I recognize that following God and being obedient is not a bunch of legalistic rules to follow. In 3rd grade, I recall reading the book of Revelation in the Bible and then having horrible nightmares. I was so worried that I wouldn't hear the trumpet of the Lord and be left behind with all the non-believers. In fact, one night I really thought I heard the trumpet and sat in bed waiting for my body to levitate to heaven. Here I am decades later and my relationship with God is actually growing and moving towards a closeness I have never experienced. I pray a lot, read my Bible every day, I meditate on scripture, and I do the best I can at being a representative of Jesus. I will always be a sinner no matter how hard I try to not sin. Yet, God still loves me unconditionally. Wow! With all of this new knowledge, I can sleep better and not worry if I will hear that trumpet call.

Truthbook

Last night I met an old friend for dinner. It was nothing fancy, just Pizza Nova. I forgot that its still prom season, so we were surrounded by kids that had to have their parents hover nearby to pay for the pizza and greasy butter rolls. As I sat there, I just felt like a huge blob of blah. My conversation topics revolve around my students, their musical issues, and my desire to solve them. I sprinkle in a bit about my personal life, which was about how I hated high school and I missed 30 days during my junior year. I have no problem asking 20 questions since I am a teacher and part of my job is getting the latest scoop. What is a good time anymore? Laughter? Gossiping? Discussing the latest news worthy items? I don't watch tv, I don't watch movies, I read books that no one else would be interested in and I have cats. So, I will not be nominated for most interesting or most popular. My overall rating for the evening's conversation was a hard core fail. Its no wonder my phone only rings for lessons or last minute gigs. I'm a failure at making and keeping friends....there I said it. I have a much better track record with talking with kids. We have entertaining conversations and we never discuss anything serious. So, where are the adults that fit this criteria? They are around, I just don't have a magnetic beam to lure them to my neighborhood. Is this a rant on my poor social skills? Yes, it is! I am not blaming anyone else, I seriously have a problem. No amount of positive Facebook messages, or pictures of my food that no one else would eat, or pictures of my cats, will erase the truth. You know, how about a Truthbook? Wouldn't that be nice if we could really post what we are doing or how we are feeling? Do you honestly believe that everyone is out and about spending money, eating out, engaging with friends, and having the time of their lives without any negative thoughts? I don't. Today, instead of having a pity party, I went out to lunch after my last lesson and stood in line at Subway. Lo and behold the violin teacher of Suzuki Strings spotted me and waved me over to cut in front of the 10 kids who just came from a soccer tournament. We shared our teacher stories and bought sandwiches then headed back to the church to eat lunch. Wow! Did I just score the award for spontaneous lunch date? Yes! The planned outings fall through, but the spontaneous adventures are a major win. Then I waved to the custodian and he came over and sat down for a while and chatted. As I walked back through the sanctuary, I noticed the lady who tends the garden was milling around and I stopped and talked to her until her cell rang. Wow! 3 for 3. Why not drive over to Mary M.'s house and deliver a belated orchid for her birthday gift. Again, major score. We chatted, she offered a cup of coffee, I chatted with her husband and then drove home. 5 for 5! Orchids, birds, and truth!